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Farce Be With You

Amazingly enough, I finally got around to continuing that silly fanfic I started about a year ago.

Chapter One, Chapter Two, and

I suppose this was inevitable

Fair's fair. "Here's what it looked like from my side." I run through the memory of finding the light saber. "You were kicked clean out of your universe, into one where yours is known as a fiction, but apparently still attached to….oh….."

I pause. "Is there anything to eat around here? I think I know what happened but it's going to take a minute to put it together, and I'm hungry."

"Also thirsty," adds Selina who is after all in a position to know. She calls to the droid, and a minute later we have what looks like a rather nice high tea in front of us including various small whatsits of pastry or meat in different shapes. The tea set looks rather in the Japanese style, the pot in green decorated with swirls, the cup glazed in gold with blue and green flecks. The tea is just right. Being well aware of what usually happens right after an important plot consideration is revealed, I make sure to finish off both my tea and a decent amount of food before continuing.

"OK," I say finally, "If things work here the way they did in the movies, and thus far they certainly have, I think I know what happened. In the movies, the Force is mediated by some sort of nanites for want of a better term called "midichlorians. Is it that way here, too?"

"Um.. yes, but we don't tell the students until.. er.. It's not widely known."

"And the number you're born with determines your strength in the Force?"

"That and training."

"Did your students know about them?"

"No… " Selina gets an unpleasant look on her imaged face.

"Then I think someone's figured out how to suck them out of their hosts. The shock would be what killed your students. They couldn't have had any idea what was happening. You were a bit more grounded, and managed to hang onto yours but at the cost of your attachment to your body. Presumably you and your midichlorians came on through clinging to the light saber as the closest thing to a body to hand. Then I disturbed the balance by picking up the saber, and we all got zapped back to Tattooine. In the process things rebalanced themselves the way your mind, body, and midichlorians usually assort themselves, only it was my body instead of yours. With me still inside it, thankfully." I pause to consider some of the things that could have gone wrong with this whole thing, and shudder slightly.

Selena's look turns thoughtful. "But why would they…. Oh oh…"

In unison "They're Collecting Them!"

Just the thing I need, how nice.

I jump a foot as the alarm goes off. "Hostiles approaching." Says XV-74 in a calm voice. "Better take the turret while I handle the main guns."

"No kidding." I mutter. Never fails – movie, fanfic or whatever, I'm in something with a plot.

"The turret's over there," says Selena, pointing to a ladder in the rear of the cabin.

I/we rush over and I eye the entry dubiously. "I think I will fit through there." No way around it – up we go and it's a bit of a squeeze but I do manage to get through the hole and into the gimbaled seat. I fasten my seatbelt and look dubiously at the controls. "I think you'd better handle this. I have no idea which does what, besides which I'm a bit prone to vertigo…" Which last was not the best thing to think of at the moment.

And then I'm watching my hands reach out and flip switches, and the turret comes alive. We swivel around to see a finger four of TIE fighters approaching rapidly. They open fire, eliminating any remaining doubt of their intentions. The ship slews sideways, the turret spins, the turret gun targets the nearest TIE fighter, there is a weird feeling like I could reach out and touch the thing as the Force kicks in, and the gun fires, causing the target to explode.

"Uh… I think I'm going to…" I get control back briefly, just in time to lean way over and throw up where it won't land on the controls. Maybe making a point of eating first wasn't such a great idea after all. Then it's back to the battle.

Selina downs a second fighter, maybe a third, I lose more lunch, XV-74 takes out the remainder with the main gun.

We pause, but no more targets present themselves. "That's odd," both of us think. "You generally don't find TIE fighters away from a capital ship unless that's all they had available to follow us."

First chase your hero up a tree, then throw rocks at him. I have a very bad feeling about this…

"Selina – if you could pick the worst possible outcome of this, what would the capital ship be carrying, and where would it be right now?"

Silence. Followed by "XV-74. Approach the base site with extreme caution, checking all traffic carefully."

"Yeah." I look down. "Uh, Selina – have we got a mop on board?"